| 08/22/81 "Existentialist Michelle Butrosada was hit by a train today. Her dying words were 'Maybe I am responsible for walking on the train tracks.' Her funeral will be held on a boat in a lightning storm."
|
|
| 07/09/81 "Music junky Billy Swaygmeister approaches the Pope in an attempt to amend Genesis to read: 'So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. Then he created the Rolling Stones.'"
|
|
| 05/15/81 "In an attempt to make peace with the Western belief system and Buddhism, Avatar Sh'mi declares that Jesus is simply someone who has become Buddha, who in turn is simply a reincarnation of Vishnu. In retaliation the Christian Church declares that Vishnu was actually a time travelling Jesus in a Delorian with his mad scientist buddy 'Doc' Peter."
|
|
| 12/03/1980 "After careful consideration, the group known only as Christians Offering Coopertive Kombination (an organization that focuses on unification and assimilation) has decided that with the success of Easter and Christmas that further Pagen and hethen religious
holidays shall be implemented as the new and improved Christian version. From now on Halloween will celebrate Jesus' travels from door to
door in ancient Jerusalem collecting the occasional 'treat' and/or 'treat'. When you ignite fire works on the Fourth you will now be
celebrating how Jesus will strike down the British (and other sinners) with firey balls of sulfur whilst deafening them with those crazy
'Piccolo Petes'. Memorial Day is now a practice of rememberance for those who have died in Jesus' name. Mother's Day will no longer be recognized because of Original Sin, and Sunday will now always be Father's Day. Finally, Kwanza is now a celebration
of the Pilat's observations of a white Jesus, not a black one as some sinners have mistakenly forged as an idol."
|
|
| 11/27/1977 "It has just been uncovered that a man claiming enlightenment was in fact "faking it the whole time." Jean-Paul Russo a French-Canadian bartender reported to sources today that when he announced he had awoken to enlightenment he was merely telling a story. Russo is quoted as saying "Well I was piss drunk one night and thought it would be a good idea. So I took a shot, jumped on top of the bar and yelled 'Guess what! I'm in nirvana!'"
|
|
| 05/07/1970 "This just in! The bagel has been found to be a fake! The bagel has been connected to a string of immitation-Christ relics. The motives of the vandals is currently under investigation. A movement is underway to create a government group to battle and detect the counterfeit-Christian pieces."
|
|
| 08/22/1968 "It is now believed that God and Jesus have been in hiding for the past one-thousand years. There exact location is unknown, but experts believe that the Tora Bora Caves in Afghanistan. Troops are being sent in to investigate."
|
|
| 03/04/1966 "John Lennon is more popular than Jesus."
|
|
| 02/06/1966 "Today Jesus-- The Son of God, The Messiah, The Martyr, etc. -- was found inside a bagel. The bagel has been confiscated by officials for the safety of Jesus and the bagel's former owners. Currently investigations are underway to varify authenticity of the bagel."
|
|
| 09/03/1956 "Multiple attempts have been made to contact the Son of God for an interview, but no response have been given at this time. A detailed inquiry of the internet on his possible whereabouts only led to adult-related websites. Examples of these were "Looking for some hot wild Jesus? For mouth watering Son of God, you've cum to the right place! All the young, hot Saviors you can stand and then some!"
|
|
| 09/03/1856 "A candlelight vigil will in fact be held for the late God (aka Yaweh, aka Jehovah, aka The Creator, aka The Void Which Binds) at #9 Willowah St. Donations will be given to the offspring of God. He had one known son."
|
|
| 08/29/1856 "Freidrich Nietzche declared today that God is in fact dead. This came as a surprise to everyone. No funeral is planned for this time. Many Theists believe God faked his death in order to avoid all the bad publicity he has been getting as of late. More on this breakthrough as it unfolds."
|
|
| 07/19/1604 "Investigators today uncovered a fraudulant organization taking donations on behalf of the God Memorial Fund wednesday. The company, known as the Catholic Church has in fact been using the money for it's own benefit. Police have not yet decided if they will in fact be taking action at this time."
|
|
| 04/01/0000 "This just in: the son of god was murdered today. The exact circumstances were unclear, but the Romans apparantly executed him on charges of sacrilege. We expect to know more in a few days after the son of god is reborn for his scheduled interview"
|
